i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
