I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
