i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
