if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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