Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
