I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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