i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
