What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
