I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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