There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
