I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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