I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
