Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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