she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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