Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
