I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
