a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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