if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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