Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
