I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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