if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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