I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
