It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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