Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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