The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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