I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
50% drunk capacity currently
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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