Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
