as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
