Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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