summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Randomize
