i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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