shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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