I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
