I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I just found puke in my bra..
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
