your room smells of hookers.
And success
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize