why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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