Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
