I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
