brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
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