Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
