I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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