I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
