Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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