You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize