you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
