Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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