ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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