you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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