Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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