just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
