she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
