A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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