You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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