no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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