woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I am one with the molecules
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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