My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
