I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
