I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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