This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
