um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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