Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
