I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
