please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
