i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
