nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
