I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
