You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just gift wrapped bread.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
