will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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